Will

Since I'm too lazy to do it nice and legal, I've decided I'll take advantage of Just Enough Craig's readership to make it known to the people who know me and are inclined to care, or, more accurately, are likely to be involved, just what my wishes are for what happens when I die.

Firstly, nobody panic or take to exceptional glee. I'm not dying, insofar as I know. It's just that an itchy throat gets a man to thinking about his mortality and what happens, when he dies, to the world and the people he knows and the bicycles he owns. So today here at Just Enough Craig we're talking about death. My death.

My wish, for when I die, is for those still alive and who care or are involved to mark the occasion by whatever means they wish. I'll be dead, and I'm a firm believer that the world belongs to the living and the people who haven't yet been born and not to the people who have already lived their lives. When I'm gone, I'll be gone, and that's that. Do what you wish.

Now, it may happen that your wish will be to mark the occasion in a way of which I would approve if I were alive. In such a case, I do have a few tips on how to do it right, Craigarian-style.

It's important to know that I strongly oppose ceremonial burial on the grounds that it doesn't scale. Take it to its logical conclusion sometime in the distant future and Earth is made into one giant cemetery. That won't do. But I'm not much of a fan of cremation either because it's such an ordeal. I doubt many crematoria are carbon-free, and so it seems like such a waste. Ideally I'll have donated my body to science, but doing so requires filling out paperwork, and there's my laziness to consider again, so there's a good chance you'll be stuck with my rotting corpse and will have to figure out what to do with it. I say drop the smelly thing into a hole somewhere. Not a grave; just a regular, unmarked hole in the ground. Preferably the location will be pastoral and scenic, but this is only a preference and not that important. Dig the hole with shovel and sweat and drop me in sans word or regret. We're all nothing but stardust anyway, and so you guys may as well not make such a big fuss about the whole thing.

Shoveling is hard and time-consuming work, and so I imagine the digging will be something of a team effort. I would most approve if you made it into something of a competition to see who could move the most dirt the fastest, but this is a minor point and is totally up to you. What you will probably feel inclined to do, competitive or not, is to make the event into something of a formal thing. You should know, in this case, that I detest funerals. Gathering together friends and family upon the occurrence of a death is fine, and I have no problem with that. What I don't like is the dark and sombre attitude associated with funerals: the wailing and crying, the wellspring of sudden religiosity, the revered reflection of the departed's life no matter how inconsequential or spiteful it was. Even in my most immodest moments I can't help but suspect some people would be thinking upon hearing of my death: "Well, I for one thought he was kind of hard to deal with at times." There's no sense in hiding feelings. I certainly won't hold such thoughts against you because, remember, I'll be dead.

So you may as well make the get together a joyous and festive one. Call it a one-fewer-person-on-the-planet party. Celebrate that there's a little more of everything to go around; put on some uppity music; and divide my spoils between the lot of you. To the strongest.