For those of you who don't know what a George and Azazel story is (and don't wish to follow the above link), here's a brief description. Isaac simov wrote about a dozen short stories involving his fictional friend George and George's ability to conjure a two-centimeter tall demon, Azazel, who possesses advanced powers. Azazel won't help George directly but helps George help others—to comically disastrous results. Much of the humor of a George and Azazel story is that it uses a rather formulaic set of gags: George's demeaning narration of the story over a meal, George stiffing the narrator with the check, and the narrator not believing a word of it anyway. And of course the reader is busy trying to figure out the twist of how George and Azazel are going to mess things up this time.
And so here it is. By the way, this story is purely fictional.
O woman, perfect woman!
O woman, perfect woman! what distractionGeorge and I were sitting at a local restaurant, where George frequently allowed me the privilege of paying the bill. The bartender, who was femininely proportioned in all the right places, strolled away after placing the change in George's outstretched hand.
Was meant to mankind when thou wast made a devil!
- John Fletcher
Monsieur Thomas
George sighed dramatically, "Oh woman, perfect woman! What distraction was meant to mankind when thou wast made a devil!"
I said, "I suppose you have finally reached the age at which one realizes that attractive women forever will be out of your reach."
"Nonsense!" he replied, as he gulped down half of the second beverage I soon would be purchasing for him. "You may think that it is merely your overgrown muttonchops and your inadequate writing that deters so many women from approaching you, but female relationships are much more complicated than that, old man. With a personality such as mine, the women in my life have never been a problem."
"You only speak the truth, since women do not seem to be in existence in your life."
George had not heard this last statement, however, for he was already drifting off into his own nostalgia. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was preparing to divulge a tale involving the two centimeter demon he claims to call up on a regular basis.
* * *
My friend Craig Middleton Brandenburg [said George], whom you have never met for he only intermingles with individuals at a much higher level of fitness and intelligence than yourself, did have these troubles with women to which I could not possibly relate. He appreciated all the physical aspects of women and perfected the art of meeting their lips with his own. Beyond these traits, he could not find a woman who met his desires.
He would say to me, "I can't understand it, George. I have a complex mind full of interesting ideas. I am well toned and fit in all the appropriate areas. I am unquestionably adept in the skills of love, though I have not been granted many opportunities to practice such skills. I have come into contact with so many women in various facets of my life, yet none induce those magnificent feelings of love which countless scores of fortunate men prior to my existence have experienced."
His words immediately evoked such strong feelings of pity that I could barely contain. Fortunately, I had been granted the ability to appreciate and adore women for their true aesthetic purpose. Sadly, Brandenburg was determined to look beyond these imperative qualities and find a woman who held traits which simply cannot coexist with true womanly characteristics. I had a strong bond with him that stemmed from the years we were neighbors in an area of the country that claims everything to be bigger. Brandenburg had proven this claim to be true, in specific structures of his anatomy, furthering my desire to assist him in finding a woman of worth.
"Craig," I said in my most comforting tone, as I inched myself away from his gargantuan feet, "I believe I can help you solve this problem. Please tell me what qualities seem to be lacking in the women you have come into contact with thus far."
He thought for a few moments and said in a hushed tone, for he did not want to impart any question about his love of women, "It seems my intellectual capabilities and recreational activities are not often found with the female species. I would be forever indebted to you if you could find these qualities in a woman."
Astonished at his inability to weigh the importance of appearance, I curtly added, "with those necessary womanly characteristics, of course."
"Of course!" Brandenburg added in a boisterous, yet hesitant manner.
That evening I summoned Azazel, the two-centimeter demon I most likely have not mentioned to you bef— All right, old man, so I may have mentioned him before. I thought that I should take into consideration the dementia that occurs at an age such as yours. In any case, I called up Azazel for his assistance on this urgent matter.
As he appeared, his legs were moving in an outlandish and rapid circular motion while his arms were elevated high into the air.
He angrily exclaimed in his squeaking voice, "I was in the midst of becoming the new champion of the most prestigious competition in my land. An assemblage of glorious samini awaits my arrival."
"I apologize for interrupting, Azazel," I said, thankful that he did not intend to further elaborate on such an insipid topic, for which I cared nearly as little as I do for your own monotonous stories, old man, "but there exists an extremely urgent issue at hand."
"As usual," he muttered.
I hurriedly described the complex dilemma that suffered dear Brandenburg, emphasizing his desires to attain an individual with feminine beauty combined with other less feminine characteristics. "I see that you share in my shock of Brandenburg's expectations of a woman," I continued, "but I feel he is a most deserving specimen of man."
Azazel proceeded into a trance of deep thought for longer than I generally care to wait, but he eventually piped up. "I can perform this task for you, but it will not be easy. As you are well aware, I cannot create something from nothing, so I must first acquire an appropriate woman form. In addition, since some of the brain chemistry you request may not exist in this female brain, I must make exchanges with an individual comprised of the desirable characteristics. Are you willing to allow the permanent brain alteration of two of your worldly beings?"
I expressed my feigned compassion for the two unknown entities, stating with great effort, "though I must weigh the risks involved in this matter, I do believe that any two people would gladly volunteer for such a project if they knew what great worldly benefits they would be doing."
"Well, then. We must go for a walk so that I may pinpoint an appropriate model of woman."
I immediately placed Azazel into my breast pocket, carefully enough that his abhorrent tail would not cause any damage to my best dress shirt, and we went out into the city night. We carefully selected a woman who frequented facilities that were also of Brandenburg's interest to improve their chances of meeting. Eventually, Azazel's work was done, and he huffed back out of sight.
After waiting a few weeks, allowing Brandenburg enough time to get to know this newly improved woman, I arranged a time for us to meet. I ambled into the restaurant, one which is far too classy for a mediocre taste such as yours, and caught a glimpse of Brandenburg sipping a beer and waiting patiently for my arrival. Taking note of the glow of cheer on his face, I found it quite reasonable to order a drink for myself, ensuring that it would be added to his tab. I could hardly take my place at the table before he began.
"Oh, George, what a pleasure it truly is to see you!" Brandenburg exclaimed. "It appears that my troubles with women are over."
"Well that is certainly wonderful to hear, Craig. Please, tell me more," I responded, knowing perfectly well that the longer I listened to the stereotypic egocentric drivel of a man newly in love, the more I could add to his tab. Which reminds, old man, you seem to frequently have the same characteristic to your speech, yet you have no such excuse.
"She's one in a million for sure, though I admit I have not yet calculated this precisely. Honestly, though, I could not imagine anyone quite like her. You may not believe me, but this woman actually prefers the joys of fitness and intellect to the typical female vices of throwing away money and layering herself with makeup. I admit, the female inadequacies that naturally exist do prevent her from being quite as fit and intellectually inclined as I, but she'll do just fine. We became acquainted playing soccer, imagine that? She has joined me for bike rides, excruciatingly slow, but pleasant nonetheless just to have her delightful company. We even engaged in a match of Scrabble and she won! It was a fluke of course, as she wouldn't have had a chance if I had drawn better tiles and hadn't let her take so much time, but impressive still! George, I couldn't be happier."
I let him continue with all the wonders of this new creation until I had finally had my fill—of his speech and of his beers—and politely congratulated him once more on his good fortune.
* * *
George gazed silently into the distance for a few minutes. Since I had already paid the bill, I assumed this wasn't a ploy and that his tale was complete.
"I find it a relief to hear that you finally have had some success with your mysterious demon," I expressed to the back of George's head.
"A success," he cried out in a high pitched squeal, "is far from what this was, you fool."
"I don't seem to have followed you. Craig sounded quite in love with a well-suited woman."
"Certainly he was, at first. However, other manly qualities commenced soon after." George's face transformed into a pouty-lipped, puppy-dog-eyed stare before he went on. "The demise began with a quiet passage of gas. At this point, Brandenburg was still so smitten that he romanticized the event, to my utter disgust from briefly allowing the thought of a woman engaging in such wretched activities. Sadly this was only the beginning. As their intimacy increased, so did the horror, with more of the previous and belches also! I discovered this tragedy when I visited him at their place of residence, immediately thrown back by the crude smell that exited through his door. As it turns out, these bodily functions were only a partial contribution to the odors. In addition, the beast of a woman detested showering and only did so a few times a week, after Brandenburg begged of her to do so. A few minutes later, the woman strolled into the room—at least Azazel was successful at finding a woman of physical beauty—and thumped Brandenburg on the back of his head for no reason at all. This may have been considered some type of love tap if she was an ordinary woman, but this was no ordinary woman, proved by the way Brandenburg flinched in response to the touch of her hand. And if you don't find that to be horrific enough, I won't even let you gander at what he was doing when I arrived. He was folding laundry! In response to my look of disbelief, Brandenburg muttered under his breath, `she is the only woman I would never trust with my laundry.' He, with a perfectly good woman at hand, was stuck doing the laundry."
George paused momentarily, folding his arms tightly across his chest and shaking his head with a remorseful sigh.
"I conjured up Azazel as soon as I could to solve this problem. Unfortunately, Brandenburg did not specify clearly enough which manly qualities he desired. Azazel took from the male specimen whatever characteristics he saw fit, and passed them onto the woman. Even worse, Azazel refused to share with me who his male specimen may have been. The possibilities are too tragic to even think about."
With that, George uncrossed his legs, swept the five dollar tip into a rose colored change purse, which I had never noticed him carrying before, stood up with a huff, and sashayed out the door.
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